


Mighty Mickey

by hypernomad, ronandhermy



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-07
Updated: 2014-07-10
Packaged: 2018-02-07 22:20:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 61
Words: 14,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1915989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hypernomad/pseuds/hypernomad, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ronandhermy/pseuds/ronandhermy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mickey is an advice columnist in a well-known gay magazine. Not that he's exactly a beacon of knowledge, but you know, he does what he does for the good of mankind...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so, the way that this works is that hypernomad sends a "letter" to ronandhermy, and then she replies as Mickey. For the next chapter, she sends hypernomad a letter, and he replies as Mickey. In that order. So, chapter one is ronandhermy as Mickey, the next chapter is hypernomad as Mickey. Got it? Good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Props to ronandhermy for the title.

_Dear Mickey,_

_I've found myself in a very difficult situation. I'm gay but closeted, and I got married to a woman 4 years ago. On our anniversary last month, my wife was away on a business trip in New York and I had been given a male blow-up doll as a joke by a friend of mine for my birthday the week before. I'm not proud of it, but well, I got kind of drunk one afternoon after work and decided to have sex with it. I guess I didn't hear the door open and close, but she'd decided to come home early and surprise me for our anniversary. Well, you can guess what happened. She hasn't spoken to me since and is staying with her sister. What do I do now?_

_Inflatable Woes, 28_

Dear Inflatable Woes,

First off, I hope that blow-up doll was high quality because I know for a fact you can get a better fuck from a guy under a bridge, and for half the price at that. Next, let me tell you about a magical word. Divorce. Great word, fond of it myself. Now unless you are staying married to this chick because of politics or because her family will literally murder you if you split, you have got to get one. It may be messy but dude, she deserves better than a guy who is going at it with a blow up doll, and you deserve to actually have some quality living male dick. It may be awkward but you have to talk with her. Or talk to her lawyer, because I guarantee her sister is telling her lawyer up right about now. And, let’s be real, your sex life with her probably wasn’t that great so it’s all going to come down to alimony and the prenup.

Bottom line, you both need out of that marriage and you need to get out there and experience what great sex actually is.

Mighty Mickey

P.S. If you’re writing to an advice column in a gay mag, I think you’ve gotten to the point in your life where it’s ok to come out. You can take care of yourself. Turn those woes into bros.


	2. Chapter 2

_Dear Mighty Mickey,_

_I'm in high school and I'm only out to my family and a few friends. Lately I've been hanging out with a Jock, who's great when we're alone, but in school he distances himself from me, sometimes he pretends he doesn't know me. But a few days ago, when we were walking home, he kissed me. He hasn't mentioned it since and I don't know what to do. HELP. ~_

_Confused Kid, 15_

Dear Confused Kid,

Ah, the old cliché, huh? Well, first off, good on you for coming out. It’s not easy to do. It’s no easier being with someone who’s still in denial — not that I’ve ever had to deal with that, but I was just like your Jock boyfriend for.. well, most of my life, I guess. It’s hard being gay when everyone is pressuring you to be straight, and even harder when you’re constantly around a bunch of men who pride themselves on parading their heterosexuality around like a bunch of rabid neanderthals.

What I’m saying is, don’t be too hard on your Jock guy. Respect his space and that it might not be safe for him to come out just yet. If it is safe and you know it is, then you probably need to just give him a little time - you’re both young after all - but stand your ground and respect yourself, too. I would bring up the kiss when he’s relaxed and you’re alone. Let him know that you’re not a dirty little secret, that you have nothing to be ashamed of and you’re not going to wait around forever. Sometimes it takes a kick in the nuts like that for a guy to realize what he’s got and what he can lose.

Mighty Mickey


	3. Chapter 3

_Dear Mickey,_

_I think I have something wrong with me. I've had a boyfriend for the last 6 months, but something doesn't feel right. He's great, but I feel like I'm lying to him all the time. I'm physically a girl but I've never been comfortable with it. I've always been tomboyish and used to pretend to have a dick by putting rolled up socks down my pants when I was a kid. I want to be his boyfriend and live as a man, but he's very straight and only sees me as a girl. What should I do?_

_Trapped, 19_

Dear Trapped,

First off, you should never let another person dictate who you are. You’re young and will have plenty of time to have other boyfriends if this guy doesn’t work out. Lying to yourself is a horrible feeling, believe me, I know from personal experience that holding in such a huge part of yourself can kill you slowly. You’ve taken a huge step and admitted it to yourself. Good job. Now for the other part. Who you decide to be is up to you but you either have to tell this guy what’s up and go from there or you have to break up, and take some time to figure out who you really are and who you want to be. Who knows, the guy may surprise you. However, if he does turn out to be an ass you kick him in the groin and then run. Run like hell.

Bottom line: Time to bust out of the gender trap.

Mighty Mickey


	4. Chapter 4

_Dear Mickey,_

_I only recently came out and have started seeing someone. He's a bit younger than me and he's eager to start having a physical relationship. I've never had sex with a man before and I'm a bit nervous. I don't want to rush into anything, but I also don't want to scare my boyfriend away. I request your help, please._

_~~ Shy in Chicago, 32_

Dear Shy in Chicago,

So, you got yourself a twink, huh? Good for you, man.

I guess it’s a sticky situation you’ve got there. Or, in this case, a not-so-sticky situation. He’s young, hung and full of cum, and so are you, no doubt. You’re both consenting adults, so there’s no reason to be uncomfortable or worried - and if he gives half a shit about you, he’ll stop thinking with his dick for a moment and listen. He’ll also most likely have more know-how when it comes to the doing the dirty and will be eager to teach you, so I wouldn’t worry too much about that side of things.

However, if your relationship is going to last longer than five minutes, you’re going to have to learn to communicate those worries to your man rather than going to an advice column. There’s no reason for him to leave you, especially if you’re a little shy - he’s bound to have noticed that by now, dude. In fact, it’s probably part of the appeal for him.

My advice? Be open, be honest, but don’t let anybody rush you.

Mighty Mickey


	5. Chapter 5

_Dear Mickey,_

_My boyfriend has started collecting anime figurines. I wouldn't mind it so much, but I think they're creepy and garish and they throw the whole color scheme of the living room off! Plus, there's nowhere else for them and he won't even take them out of the packaging. Says it devalues them or some shit. Should I just tolerate it or tell him to get rid of them?_

_Irked, 26_

Dear Irked,

I mean, what kind of figurines? Cause some of them can be kinda hot, in a 2-D way. If it’s not throwing off your sex life, I don’t really see the problem. Having a happy partner is a hell of a lot more important then whatever the fuck is clashing with your over-priced couch.

If it makes him happy and isn’t affecting your guy’s personal life or sex life, then I say let the guy play with his little toys man. Either you’ll move to another place, they’ll get “lost” in the move, he’ll find some new space for them or he’ll find a new hobby. Or you could get him a storage unit if you’re that annoyed.

But seriously man, remove whatever crawled up your ass and died. Relationships are about compromise and I have a feeling he didn’t get a lot of say in your color scheme. Let him enjoy himself. A happy man is a man willing to go down and go down often.

Bottom line: loosen up.

Mighty Mickey


	6. Chapter 6

_Dear Mickey,_

_I'm from a big traditional family, who's only recently begun to accept me as gay. However, my boyfriend is black and I'm not certain how accepting of him they'll be. I see myself marrying this man, but I also love my, often misguided, family. I need some advice._

_~ Southern Son, 24_

Dear Southern Son,

Well, if there’s one thing I know about, it’s misguided families. Admittedly, mine are probably a hell of a lot more misguided than yours, but I digress.

Your family are just beginning to accept you as gay, which is a start. It’s not great, but it’s a start. Unfortunately, this kind of thing seems to require a lot of time in most situations, especially if things are already a little rocky. You should start picking at this big layer of ice in a subtle way. Casually ask your mom or your dad how they would feel if their daughter brought home a black boyfriend and see if you can gauge their reaction. If it’s a really negative response, then shock therapy - telling them about your boyfriend - might be the only way for them begin seeing things in a different way. But, only do this if it really does seem like the only way. If you can, handle it delicately and don’t be too hostile.

This won’t be easy, and they might not want to speak to you for a while, or you might not want to speak to them, but if they love you, they’ll come around eventually and they may even start to accept him if it means having you in their lives. If they don’t, then you might just have to accept this and get on with your life.

They could always surprise you though, so don’t rule this out just because it seems unlikely. 

Either way, you can’t let your family’s attitudes rule your life. It’s yours and yours alone and nobody else can tell you who to love. If they try, tell them to go fuck themselves just for me. 

Good luck man,

Mighty Mickey


	7. Chapter 7

_Dear Mickey,_

_A couple I have known for a few years have asked me if I want to have a three-way. I'm experienced, but I've only had sex with guys I've had romantic attachments to-not that I'm turned off by the idea of casual sex. They're hot as fuck and I'm willing, but I'm not sure if I'd be opening a can of worms by getting involved with them sexually. I've heard that threesomes can cause trouble in relationships too, and I don't want to fuck things up for them. Is it a good idea?_

_Hesitant, 25_

Dear Hesitant,

Back away slowly and then fucking run. Shit like this almost always ends badly. If you’re hesitating then that means something is telling you that this is a bad fucking idea. Very few couples can bring in a known third person and have it not fuck up A. their relationship or B. the couples relationship with the incomer.

If that couple really wants a threesome, they can find a non-invested party and leave you the fuck out of it. Is one act of sex really worth fucking up a friendship? You don’t even know if the sex will be that good. Just because a guy has the looks, doesn’t mean he’s got the moves.

You should go out, find someone to have fun with. Hell, find yourself a nice boyfriend even, and have your own sexual relationship away from your friends. It’s like when your sister asks her boyfriend if he thinks that girl is prettier and he hesitates. You know what that hesitation means. Hell, even I know what the hesitation means.

Bottom line: you hesitated, abort fucking mission.

Mighty Mickey


	8. Chapter 8

_Dear Mickey,_

_I've been in a relationship with my guy for five years. I love him but lately it seems the passion has gone out of the bedroom. Any suggestions for how to get our groove back?_

_~ Need Some Jive, 36_

Dear Need Some Jive,

Hm, well, I can’t say I’ve ever had that problem. Me and my guy have been together for longer than that and we can barely go a week without banging - loudly - at least three or four times. And that’s when we’re feeling considerate of our neighbors.

…But I’m not paid to brag. I guess what I can say is that a little variation never did anyone any harm. If you’ve been together for that long, you’re bound to know what he likes, right? So if it was me, I’d be going down to my nearest sex shop (or looking online if you’re a shy one - Amazon is a good place to start), and looking for something you think he might like. If you’re having trouble finding the right thing, use your imagination.

He’s a top? Let him handcuff your hands behind your back and shove a gag in your mouth while he fucks you into the mattress (or the bathroom floor, or the kitchen counter, or the backseat of your car if you’re feeling risky).

He’s a bottom? Get him a vibrator and hold it against his sweet spot until he screams.

If that doesn’t do it, explore your kinks in a little more detail. You’d be surprised at what he might not be telling you. Let him know your limits, remind him that you love him and aren’t going to judge him, and go from there.

Bottom line: the passion probably hasn’t left the bedroom, it’s just gotten bored and flickered out. There’s only so much of fucking like missionaries - or dogs as the case may be - that one guy can take before he switches to autopilot.

Happy bangin’, dude

Mighty Mickey

P. S. If you’re stuck for ideas on specific toys, you can always check out Mighty Mickey’s Miscellany of Magnificent Man-Mating Toys, published in last week’s issue.


	9. Chapter 9

_Dear Mickey,_

_My boyfriend is really into food play. When he asked me about trying it out, I found that I didn't really care either way, so I just went with it. But now he wants to do it every time we bang, and it's starting to feel a little gross. I feel like I've unleashed the kraken. How do I tell him (nicely) that the food needs to stay in the kitchen?_

_Apparently Now A Dinnerplate, 30_

Dear Dinnerplate,

Sounds like you need a sit down serious adult discussion. They’re never fun but they are almost always necessary. When you and your guy are gonna bang it’s got to be fun for both of you. Sex with only person getting off is just masturbation.

You need to explain clearly that the food play does not do it for you. Maybe you can save it for very special occasions. Or hell, maybe you could both explore your other kinks.

You could just tell him to picture your dick as a hot dog and to chock it on down. Words are extremely powerful, so maybe consider using them in the bedroom as well as out.

Bottom line: hide the fine china and get down and dirty with some serious relationship talk.

Mighty Mickey


	10. Chapter 10

_Dear Mickey,_

_I am about to SCREAM. My boyfriend's mother has come to visit and she is the most obnoxious person alive. She nit-picks everything and she hates me and all that I do. Nothing is good enough. It doesn't matter that I'm a CFO or make dinner, it's never enough. I need that woman out of my house. I've been dating the same man for 20 years but his mother may finally kill this relationship._

_~ Frustrated in Family, 53_

Dear Frustrated in Family,

If she doesn’t need help and she’s got the funds to pay for a hotel room, why the fuck is she mooching off her kid?

Next time she pulls another stunt, speak up. Fuck what your boyfriend says; if this fucker doesn’t know how to play nice, then you don’t need to feel obligated to tolerate her bullshit. However, if you don’t feel comfortable telling her what’s up, you can try to get your boyfriend to instead.

As for your relationship, I think that if it’s still going after 20 years, it’s going to be fine. There’s no need to go saying shit like that. If she’s only visiting, then it’s only for a few days or weeks, right? Unless it’s months, then you might need to seriously bring up the possibility of a break between you and your boyfriend, even if it’s only to get his ass in gear.

For now though, I’d look into getting her a hotel room while she’s in town. It’s your house man, don’t let her forget that.

Mighty Mickey


	11. Chapter 11

_Dear Mickey,_

_Before I start writing this, I want to be clear that I'm not trying to brag. I, well, I have a very big dick. Most guys talk about wanting a guy with a big dick, but I've yet to find a guy who's able to take mine comfortably, and I just can't keep it up knowing that my partner is in pain. I'm getting really frustrated because I end up bottoming most of the time when really I'm a top at heart. What am I supposed to do?_

_Endowed, 21_

Dear Endowed,

Just how big are we talking? Is it length wise or is it a girth thing?

What you need is a real power bottom. Someone who wants to take it, and take it good, long and hard. Also, you can try anally training your partners. Work them up to taking someone of your size by using different sized dildos. Also, lube. Lots and lots of lube.

My guy is hung like a fucking horse as well, with a heart of fucking gold, so he understands a bit of what you’re going through. But he’s has me and I must say I can take his dick like a champ. You just need to find that special guy who’s ready for you to fill that hole in both his heart and his ass.

Bottom line: Work what your mama gave you. Also, lube.

Mighty Mickey


	12. Chapter 12

_Dear Mickey,_

_I really like this guy, but he's not out and neither am I. But he's had way more sexual experience then I have. I mean, I've never even been kissed. I want to have a relationship but I have no idea how to about even starting that conversation. What am I to do?_

_~ Never Been Kissed, 17_

Dear Never Been Kissed,

I can tell you that you’re certainly not the first person to make it to 17 without being kissed, and you’re definitely not the last. Fuck, I didn’t have my first kiss until I was 19. Admittedly, I had already lost my v-card by then, but whatever.

So, you’re really into this guy, huh? Well, if he feels the same way, and he’s been around the block a few times like you said, I’m willing to bet that he’s probably deflowered a few virgins and might even be ready for a relationship.

(However, in my personal opinion, I think the whole idea of virginity is made up. There’s experience and inexperience, it doesn’t define you. But I guess that’s for you to decide.)

My advice is to just be as honest as possible. If he acts like a douche about wanting a relationship or even just sex, then he’s not worth the effort anyway and you might be better off finding someone who’s more on your level. However, you shouldn’t assume that he’s going to be just ‘cause he’s had more than guys balancing on his balls than you have. Let him know you’re nervous, that you want to take things slowly and that you’re not just interested in messing around.

You don’t have to race straight to the sausage festival just because you feel inadequate. Patience is a virtue, my friend.

Mighty Mickey


	13. Chapter 13

_Dear Mickey,_

_I'm concerned about my husband. He's always been a pretty level-headed guy; he's kind, quiet and is a great father to our daughters. Lately though, he's developed a bit of a gambling habit and I'm starting to notice the dent in our funds. It's not huge, but he won't even acknowledge that he's getting addicted. I've never had to deal with this before, and I don't know how to get him to talk about it without inciting an argument._

_Afraid, 37_

Dear Afraid,

Time to bring out the big guns and drag in some trusted friends and/or family. Gambling addiction is a real thing and it needs to be nipped in the bud or else you could lose not only your possessions but the person you love. Time for an intervention.

Also, if you’re afraid of him you are probably not in the best relationship. A healthy relationship needs to be able to have open and honest discussions. And yes, even arguments. Arguments should not have you scared, especially when you care so much about the other person’s well being.

Bottom line: talk it out with others there to offer support and to make sure you don’t back down.

Might Mickey

P.S. To all my readers, if you find yourself in an unhealthy relationship, please use the resources printed at the end of this article. Stay safe.


	14. Chapter 14

_Dear Mickey,_

_I am not ashamed that I am a Nellie Bottom Queen, but I just can't seem to find my Top. No guy seems to have enough stamina to keep up with me, or they all want to be gentle cuddle bugs when sometimes I need a rough ride. Any suggestions are where to look for a real Top?_

_~ Nellie, 21_

Dear Nellie,

Oh Jesus, where were you a few weeks ago when I had a guy writing to me about his dick being too big to fit inside anyone’s ass? It’s sounds like you two would’ve been just right for each other.

Well, it seems to me like you’re looking in the wrong places. Gay bars and clubs are great for finding randoms who just want to get down and dirty, but it’s harder to weed out the power tops from the power bottoms when they’re all over the place.

My advice would be to look online. Grindr is a good place to look if you’re just trolling for a fuck, but if you’re looking for something more serious, then a dating site might be the way to go. Just be clear and confident about exactly what you want and then wait for the fish to bite, my friend.

Mighty Mickey


	15. Chapter 15

_Dear Mickey,_

_There's a girl in a few of my classes who keeps trying to get me to go out with her. I'm gay, but I'm not out yet - my dad's an asshole and my mom's been sick, so it's not the right time yet. She's really persistent and she's kind of pissing me off. No matter how many times I blow her off, she won't leave me alone. My school is the worst place for people to find out. I don't know how to get her to leave me alone short of filing a restraining order. What should I do?_

_Pestered, 16_

Dear Pestered,

Thank you for reminding me of both high school and of some blackmail I have on my sister. As for you issue, if you think this girl won’t go blabbing, you might want to come out to her privately. My guy did that with a girl and now she’s his best friend, and has been for years. I’ve found that girls are normally more accepting of the fact that you don’t want to sleep with them because they have the wrong equipment, then because you don’t like them. Once you explain things, it could clear all that relationship crap off the table and leave room for a valuable friendship.

If you think she’ll blab, it’s time to divert her attention. Get one of your straight friends to ask her out, or get one of your female friends to pose as your girlfriend.

Bottom line: either friend her or fascinate her.

Mighty Mickey

P.S. I hope your mom gets better.


	16. Chapter 16

_Dear Mickey,_

_I'm super close to my sister and I want to come out to her. But I've never come out to anyone in my life. I know she'll accept me and love me but I don't want this to put any distance between us. How did you come out to your sister?_

_~ Stepping Out, 15_

Dear Stepping Out,

To answer your question about how I came out to my sister: I didn’t. My boyfriend got shit-faced at my wedding (long story) and outed me to the entire hall. Luckily, she was the only one still sober enough to remember and I didn’t end up getting my dick cut off, but there you go.

So, just think yourself lucky that you don’t have to deal with a shit-show like the one I had to. Your sister sounds like she’s got her head screwed on right, and if you’re close and she gives a shit about you, then I don’t think you have anything to worry about - in fact, keeping it from her is more likely to drive a wedge between you two than telling her will.

Mighty Mickey

P. S. Twenty bucks says she’s already guessed.


	17. Chapter 17

_Dear Mickey,_

_I'm 19 and in college. I went to a frat party with some friends the other night. I got talking to this guy and we ended up getting drunk and fooling around in his bedroom. It's the first time I've ever done anything with a guy and before that night I'd never even considered it, but I really liked it. Now I can't stop thinking about it and I can't even think about being with a girl again. Am I gay?_

_Overwhelmed, 19_

Dear Overwhelmed,

Welcome to the dick leagues. It sounds like you’ve been have some serious thoughts about yourself and your sexuality. I bet you’ve been going back over your previous relationships and wondering why they didn’t seem to work out, or why you never really wanted to get down and dirty. Ding ding ding, you just might be gay. Or, if you find you’re still into girls, bi-sexual.

Now it seems you found you like being with a guy. Hell, once you accept that part of yourself that wouldn’t mind handling some other guy’s hardware, you’re probably going to be eager to explore. But slow down tiger. Don’t rush into anything you aren’t ready for. Find a partner who’s going to look out for your best interest. You might also want to try doing things with a guy while sober.

Also, how the hell did you even find this column? Did you steal that guy’s mag? Dude, cardinal rule, I don’t care if you’re gay or straight, you don’t touch another man’s wank material.

Bottom line: time to find out if you’re a bottom, a top, or a versatile partner.

Mighty Mickey


	18. Chapter 18

_Dear Mickey,_

_I'm what some might call a twink, what with how I look, but I really like to top. More than that, I like to top bears. But none of the bears I'm attracted too ever want to go for me. I need some love advice or else I'm gonna pop._

_~ Desperate in Detroit, 22_

Dear Desperate,

There are tons of bears out there who would probably love to sub for you - it’s finding them that’s the trick. Bars that cater to bears are obvious, but you really don’t know who you’re going to find there. A lot of it is trial and error, so make sure you’re putting yourself out there enough and being clear about what you want.

You could also look online. There are plenty of specialist dating sites for bears and their appreciators, and you’re bound to find someone who’s into twinks on one of them.

If all else fails, you could try and blend in with the bears themselves and look a little more gruff and manly yourself. Grow a beard, dye your hair darker, put on a few more pounds or work out a little more to beef up. Bears are more likely to look twice if you look a bit more like them.

Godspeed, my bear-hunting friend,


	19. Chapter 19

_Dear Mickey,_

_My boyfriend has developed a really annoying habit of waking me up in the middle of the night to have sex. It's now happening nearly every night and I work long hours, so it's making me really tired. He doesn't force me or anything but if I turn him down he gets moody with me. I've tried initiating sex before we go to sleep, but he says he's not in the mood. I'm going out of my mind here._

_Sleepless in Seattle, 31_

Dear Sleepless,

Sounds like your boyfriend’s a dick, and not in a good way. He needs to respect your sleep time, especially since you’re working to help pay the bills. If he wants to do all the work and just have you lounge about the house available for a fuck whenever, that would be a whole other story. You need to lay it out plain and clear. You fuck when you’re up, or no fucking goes down.

Bottom line: get some sleep man.

Mighty Mickey


	20. Chapter 20

_Dear Mickey,_

_I want to fuck my teacher, but he's in a long-term relationship. Should I seduce him or nurse my broken heart?_

_~ Wondering in Wisconsin, 17_

Dear Wondering in Wisconsin,

Where do I even start with this one?

My boyfriend - you know, the one with a death-wish? Just encouraged you to try your luck and see what happens. But that’s the reason why I got this column and he did not.

My advice here is plain and simple: stay. The fuck. Away. He’s in a relationship, which means he’s unavailable, and there are plenty of other older guys out there who’d be willing to indulge your naughty schoolboy kink. Your teacher will not and will never be interested in you that way, and if he was, he’d be breaking the law by acting on it. You could also get yourself in a lot of trouble and even if you’re lucky enough that he doesn’t suspend your ass right there and then, believe me - you do not want to deal with the awkwardness of a failed seduction when he’s going to be teaching you for the rest of semester. That prospect should be more than enough to put you off.

Bottom line: use your common sense.

Mighty Mickey


	21. Chapter 21

_Dear Mickey,_

_I'm in a predicament. I recently started dating a great guy. He's fun, smart, charming and sexy as hell. The only problem is, we're both tops. It's resulted in some interesting ways of working out who tops, from flipping a coin to arm wrestling. I just wish we didn't have to do this every time we get hot. Should I break it off or do I just need to learn to compromise better?_

_Tug-of-War, 29_

Dear Tug-of-War,

Well this is a predicament I’ve never really found myself in. Mostly because my guy is the ultimate top and I have no shame in being a bottom. So I’ll tell you what I think and you can either take it or leave it.

You both have either got to figure out a better way of doing things other than an arm wrestle. I mean, I’m down for a fight and a fuck but it doesn’t seem to be your thing. Maybe set up a schedule, like an every other night type of deal.

If it gets to be too much of a hassle you’re really going to have think about how much this guy is worth.

Bottom line: compromise or cop out.

Mighty Mickey


	22. Chapter 22

_Dear Mickey,_

_I hate HATE HATE my mom's new boyfriend. He's such a jerk and he always makes comments about "fags" or doing "faggot things." I can't stand him but my mom can't seem to see what the problem is. I need a way to get him out of our lives. FAST!_

_~ Wrathful in Wichita, 14_

Dear Wrathful,

Oh man, that sucks. I know it’s just a word, but words can cut pretty deep. If he’s such a jerk, your mom should be better at noticing these things, too.

I guess there’s not a lot that you can do though. Maybe you should have a calm conversation with your mom about how much it’s bothering you rather than an argument. Sometimes that level of maturity from someone you’re age can stun an adult into acting.

If not, then you may have to let her come to realize what an asshole he is on her own. This isn’t the most appealing option I know, but there’s not much else you can do short of leaving cat turds in his shoes or slashing the tires on his car. Not that I’m encouraging you to or anything.

Bottom line: if he’s not living with you, just try to avoid him when he comes over and be clear with your mom that being forced into sharing your home with him will lead to consequences. If he is living with you… well, I’m sure you have a better imagination than me. And probably a much more law-abiding one.

Mighty Mickey


	23. Chapter 23

_Dear Mickey,_

_Recently my dad got transferred to San Francisco for work and I'm excited to get more involved in the gay scene here. However, I'm worried I'm not going to fit in. I'm originally from Arkansas & I didn't really know any other gay people back home. I know that the gay scene can be really shallow and I'm a little overweight. Is there a place for me here or shall I just save myself the embarrassment? _

_Big-boned, 17_

Dear Big-Boned,

Are you overweight in the right areas? Like your dick?

Seriously man, there is a pot for every lip and I’m sure you’ll find someone. Believe me, everyone’s got their type. Plus, you got that small town hominess that I’m sure someone is itchy to mess with. But remember there is more than one so called “gay scene.” Twinks and bears are not the whole rainbow. Find your own space and in your own time.

Bottom line: get out there kid.

Mighty Mickey


	24. Chapter 24

_Dear Mickey,_

_I've decided to come out to my family. I'm a bit late to the game but I can't bear another family holiday away from my partner and lying to my family. We're a bit stiff collared and I was wondering if you had any ideas of how to break the topic, how shall I say this, gently?_

_~ Nervous in New York, 45_

Dear Nervous,

First of all, congratulations on finally accepting that you like dudes and deciding to come out. Hard part’s over.

It’s really not great that you’ve been lying to your family like this, so for a start, do not mention your boyfriend. They’ll take it much better if you leave him out of it for now.

First, I would tell your wife. Don’t tell her while she’s busy. Sit her down quietly and prepare what you want to say beforehand - be tactful. If it’s really so hard to tell her face to face, write her a letter. It’s not the most ideal way of breaking the news, because dude, let’s face it, you owe her more than that after stringing her along for most of her life, but it might be the best way if you’re not used to talking things out.

You might have to wait a while for her to calm down but if you can, convince her not to tell your kids or anyone else in your family until she’s come back down to earth and you’re ready to have that conversation with those people yourself. She might not talk to your for some time and she might even throw you out, so make sure you definitely have somewhere to stay if it comes to that.

As for your kids… well, I don’t have much experience in this area, but I guess if they’re young you’ll have to explain things in more detail. Remind them that you love them, that it has nothing to them and that you don’t regret having them. If they’re older, they might have a harder time coming to terms with things, so support them and respect their space if their ask you to.

And finally: divorce. It’s the only way, man. It’s not fair on anyone to keep up this charade any longer.

A final reminder: time is a great healer. You might have to let it do its work before you make any positive progress.

Mighty Mickey


	25. Chapter 25

_Dear Mickey,_

_I'm in a living nightmare. I come from a a traditional Indian family and recently they found out that I have been having a relationship with another man. They've arranged for me to marry the daughter of a family friend and have forbidden me to see my boyfriend ever again. I don't really know what to do._

_Cornered, 20_

Dear Cornered,

Run. Run the fuck away. You are a grown ass man and let me tell you from personal experience, attempting to appease your family by getting into a heterosexual marriage is terrible. You will literally hate yourself. And, since it seems you might actually like your family, you’ll end up hating them. It’s not fair to anyone for this to happen.

So you’re going to need to put your big pants on, back your bags and ask your boyfriend if you can crash at his until your family either gets their heads out of their asses or disowns you. But believe me dude, you’ll be a lot happier living your life without an unwanted wife.

Bottom line: Get the fuck out of there.

Mighty Mickey


	26. Chapter 26

_Dear Mickey,_

_A few weeks ago my friends bullied me into going to an S &M club. I was a bit uncomfortable but while I was there I met this really great guy and we started seeing each other. Only problem is he's way far into the S&M scene and all those whips and chains scare the shit out of me. I don't know how to tell him that without sounding as judgmental as my mother. Help. _

_~ Awkward in AZ, 27_

Dear Awkward,

Well, that’s why you shouldn’t have let your friends bully you, buddy. Friends don’t always know best and you probably need to learn how to be more assertive.

But you met somebody, which is great. If you’re that uncomfortable with it, you sound like you also need to learn how to say no to your new guy, too. It’s really not going to be fun for you if you’re that uncomfortable with S&M and he decides to break out the sex swing and the ball-gag. I’m sure he’d rather you were open and honest because that type of shit takes a lot of trust anyways.

If he’s so into S&M that it’s a deal breaker for him, then you might need to just accept this and find someone who you’re more compatible with sexually. But it might not be - he might compromise if he’s serious about the two of you and it might not actually be a way of life of him like it is for some people.

Bottom line: tell him about your reservations and cross bridges as you come to them.

Mighty Mickey


	27. Chapter 27

_Dear Mickey,_

_I'm really attracted to my Judo partner. We spar on weekends and I swear I'm going to pop a woody the next time he throws to me to the floor. How do I find out if he's gay without making him uncomfortable?_

_Pinned & Pining, 35_

Dear Pinned,

I mean, we already know I’m down for a fight and fuck so I completely understand what you’re going through on that front. As for the other part, it’s always tough trying to figure out if another guy is into dick or not. How good’s your gaydar? I mean, my guy can spot a closeted married business man at 50 paces in a crowded room but I still occasionally get stumped.

I think you’ve got to feel this guy out. Drop some hints (anvil size because he’s a dude and dude’s can be thick as shit at times) and see how it goes from there. Either you’re going to end up fucking in your dojo or you’re going to need another sparring partner.

Bottom line: fight or flight.

Mighty Mickey.


	28. Chapter 28

_Dear Mickey,_

_My bf had a horrible upbringing. His parents were abusive; his dad threw himself in front of a train when he was 14 & he hasn't seen his mom in years. He has a sister who he loves very much; she's Schizophrenic & requires a lot of care. I don't mind this at all; she lives mostly in a hospital anyway so that we can work but we're struggling to find the funds to keep it going. I already work full time as a nurse. I don't know how else to help him and I'm always tired. _

_Exhausted, 27_

Dear Exhausted,

Trust me when I tell you: I understand. You love this guy, that much is obvious, and it seems like right now life has kicked you both in the pants. But you have to hold on. Life is tough, hell yeah life is tough, but it does end up getting easier the longer you do it. You figure things out. Maybe you’ll get a raise. Maybe he’ll find a better paying job. Who knows. But the important thing is that you’re both open and honesty with each other, and that you continue to support each other. It’s rough, believe me, but it’s worth it.

Bottom line: you, and your soft heart, are going to be just fine.

Mighty Mickey


	29. Hank the Plank

_Dear Mickey,_

_I think I may be in love with my wood working instructor. He's just so composed and manly and handsome, but I turn tongue tied every time he's near. I think he likes me but I worry I'm reading too much into things. God, what I wouldn't give to see his wood. You know what I'm saying?_

_~ Hank the Plank, 30_

Dear Hank,

Hm, he sounds like a catch. If he’s given you the impression that he likes you, then he probably does. It’s hard to say if you’re reading too much into things because I don’t know what he said or did, but chances are, he’s probably thinking the same thing about you.

Here’s what I would do if you’re worried about making things weird while he’s still teaching you: on your last lesson, come back after class wearing nothing but a trench coat, casually bend over the wood-working table and ask him if he’d mind giving you a private lesson.

Or, if you’re not the total slut I am (according to my boyfriend), you could ask him out for a drink after class one day and suggest a gay bar - preferably one that’s well known in your city. If he says he’s not interested, then you have your answer, but if he says yes, then you’re home free, my friend.

Have fun working that wood,

Mighty Mickey


	30. Ashamed

_Dear Mickey,_

_I may have accidentally blown my older sister's boyfriend. I really like him but he hasn't mentioned it since. What should I do?_

_Ashamed in Atlanta, 22_

Dear Ashamed,

Sad to say it but you’ve entered into a minefield of shit and I think you know that, which is why you are writing to me.

First off, I do not know how the blowjob situation went down but if he’s the one who instigated it, or did nothing to stop it, then you may have a closeted guy on your hands. Either that or a grade A douche bag. 

You’re going to have to be the brave one here and actually talk to him.And you should probably talk to your sister as well. Tell her to ditch this guy because if he is willing to cheat on her with her own brother, he’s probably done some other shit as well that neither of you know of.

Honestly, I think both you deserve better than this guy.

Bottom line: kick this guy to the curb and find a real man, one not dating your sister.

Mighty Mickey


	31. Diesel

_Dear Mickey,_

_I was raised by dad and I recently came out to him and seemed pretty cool with it. He owns a garage and one of his employees recently asked my out. I really want to date this guy, have wanted to date this guys for years, but I don't want to make this awkward for my dad at his business. Thoughts?_

_~ Diesel, 20_

Dear Diesel,

If you’re really into this guy, I don’t see why your dad would have a problem with it. Hell, he wouldn’t have hired him and kept him on for years if thought he was a piece of shit, right?

I get that garages can be pretty masculine places to work, but I don’t think things would be awkward for your dad. Sure, at first, things might seem a little weird - the whole coming out as gay thing is pretty fresh in his mind - but I don’t see why it would be too bad. If anything, I bet he’d rather you went out with someone he knew rather than somebody he’d never met.

My advice: go for it. Things might be a little strange for your dad at first, but if he’s cool with you being gay, things will settle down. Don’t worry over nothing.

Mighty Mickey


	32. Cowboy

_Dear Mickey,_

_I've been with my boyfriend for 3 months. It's my first relationship and he took my virginity. I'm really into bottoming and he loves being a top, and I'm pretty used to being fucked now. I've always been curious about "power bottoming" though. Since you've called yourself this before, could you give me some tips to blow my man's mind?_

_Cowboy, 18_

Dear Cowboy,

Sounds like you’ve got some ideas already. Ride him like a cowboy. Maybe even tie him to the bed and have your way with him. Try rimming him. You already seem like a little pushy bottom, just keep doing what you’re doing my friend. A power bottom is a bottom who knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to take it. In more than one way if you know what I mean.

Bottom line: Giddy up.

Mighty Mickey


	33. Bashful Bottom

_Dear Mickey,_

_I've been dating this guy for awhile and we're getting ready to take that next step and have sex. Only, I'm fairly inexperienced and I've never bottomed before. I want to for this guy but I'm also really nervous. Any advice for a first time bottom?_

_~ Bashful Bottom, 18_

Dear Bashful Bottom,

Welcome to the wonderful world of butt-fucking, my friend. I swear, there should be a fucking kit for getting fucked in the ass, but alas, GLAAD has yet to get their shit together and start offering welcome baskets.

First off, get a head start by avoiding foods which are likely to give you the shits or otherwise upset your stomach.

When it comes to the big day, you will need a damn good shower. Make sure you get into all the nooks and crannies so there’s nothing nasty left behind.

Next, you’ll need a generous supply of lube. I can’t stress this enough. I’m sad to say that first time bottoming really isn’t that sexy - it’s mechanical. You need to make sure that you’re stretched out enough down there, so make sure your man is considerate and willing to take it slow.

Also: condoms. This is self-explanatory. Leave the barebacking to people in long term relationships who have been tested for STDs. You do not want to get a nasty surprise a few weeks down the line and end up having to take an embarrassing trip to the doctor.

When it comes to the actual fucking, you might be more comfortable being on top. This gives you the control over how deep he goes, how much you can take at once, and of course, pace.

Other than that, it’s just about adjustment. You just need to take your time and ease yourself into the age-old ritual of butt-fucking.

Mighty Mickey


	34. Carrot-top

_Dear Mickey,_

_I recently moved to New York. I love it here but I'm afraid that no one will be interested in me because I'm a redhead. I don't get why there's so much hate toward gingers, but I was teased constantly about it back home in Ohio. Should I embrace my hair color or make a trip to the nearest drug store for some hair dye?_

_Carrot-top, 20_

Dear Carrot-top

Do NOT. Under any circumstance. Change your hair color. Red hair is amazing, ok, and if the guys you’re going after don’t like it you are clearly going after the wrong guys. Red hair means passion, it means you’re good in the sack, and it looks damn pretty against a pillow in the morning.

Also, what happened to that whole spiel about love your body as your body campaign this mag was preaching? Aren’t you young people supposed to be optimistic and embracing your bodies along with your sexuality? Fucking hell. It’s hair color man, not the size of your dick.

Bottom line: Don’t fucking dye your hair. Just don’t.

And I’m not just saying that because red hair is my favorite kind of hair.

Mighty Mickey


	35. Tough Teddy

_Dear Mickey,_

_I'm a bit of a rough and tumble guy. I'll admit I'm more likely to get into a fight then back down from one. But I really love my guy. He could hold his own if he wanted to but he chooses to help at risk youth instead. He's great, but even though I'm a bit rough around the edges I still like to be cuddle. It's a bit hard for me to broach wanting to be held to my man since I'm not so good with words. Any ideas?_

_~ Tough Teddy, 28_

Dear Tough Teddy,

You’re a man after my own heart.

Your guy sounds like a total softie, even if he is a bit of a scrapper. In fact, he sounds kind of similar to my man…

It seems like your boyfriend would be more than happy to cuddle, but if you’re having trouble working out how to broach the subject with him, what you need to do is learn how to be a stealth cuddler. At night, when you’re in bed, subtly wrap your arms around him and pull him close to you. Or, when you’re watching T.V., you could go for the old fake yawn arm stretch cuddle. You could wrap your arms around him while he does dishes or let your kisses linger and melt into hugs.

Honestly dude, you don’t really have to talk about it. Just do it and it won’t be an issue; if your guy knows you well enough, he won’t even bring it up.

Mighty Mickey


	36. Southside Scrapper

_Dear Mickey,_

_I love my boyfriend but sometimes I feel like we are worlds apart. I come from the Southside and my family is a total shit-show, but my boyfriend has had a very privileged upbringing and has never struggled like me. I met his family for the first time last weekend and I felt like an exhibit in a museum to them. He doesn't always understand where I'm coming from or why I think the way I do. How do I get us on the same level?_

_Southside Scrapper, 33_

Dear South Side,

Always nice to hear from a fellow South Side shit, so I’m going to be extra honest with you. You and your boyfriend are always going to have a gap of understanding. It’s just the truth. He has never known what it’s like to go hungry, or be picked up by CPS, or hide who you are to avoid a fag bash. But, that’s a good thing. It means your man was safe, and still is safe.

So there is going to be this gap of understanding at times, but you both can work hard to bridge it. Hell, take him home to meet any of your family that’s worth giving a damn about. I guarantee that he’ll be uncomfortable as you were. But, I think, over time some of that awkwardness with fade.

Also, you must have seen something in him to have you start dating him. Don’t judge him on his family, he can’t help who he was born to, same as you. So you’ll talk and fight and make up and fuck. It’s all part of the relationship process. As long as he’s still the guy you fell in love with at the end of the day, you’re good.

Bottom line: you can’t choose family, but you can choose who to love.

Mighty Mickey


	37. Older Bro

_Dear Mickey,_

_I found this magazine underneath my teenage brother's straight porn. I thought I'd write to you in the hopes that you could help me approach my brother and let him know it's ok that he's gay. Or, if he's reading this, Jonah, we all love you very much, we just want you to be honest with us._

_~ Older Bro, 24_

Dear Older Bro,

That’s real nice of you, but writing to me in the hopes he’ll see it really isn’t the best way to deal with this.

But, you want to know something? Neither is bringing it up with him. You could confront him about it, but it’s kind of a dick move. He obviously hasn’t told you yet for a reason and he doesn’t have to talk to you about it straight away if he isn’t ready. He might not have made his peace with it yet - and let me tell you from experience, for some of us, that’s like pulling teeth.

If you really give a shit about your little brother, let him have his space and privacy so he can tell you in his own time.

Mighty Mickey


	38. Heavy Hearted

_Dear Mickey,_

_I'm so heartbroken since my boyfriend broke up with me six months ago. It was really messy - he cheated on me with a friend and since then, nearly all of my other friends have started ignoring me and siding with that asshole. I'm so angry and hurt, but it feels like the patience of my remaining loved ones is wearing thin and I'm just waiting for the get-over-it-alreadys to start. The problem is, I don't know how. Do you have any advice?_

_Heavy-hearted, 26_

Dear Heavy Heart,

I’m going to give you some advice that is both terrible and great. Fuck around. Go out there, date some other people, let someone else grab your dick for a change. It’s better then this sad situation you’ve got yourself in. Even if you aren’t really feeling it you have got to start to getting yourself out there.

Right now you’re too caught up in all the shit that happened before. It’s time for you to find some new friends, and to have some fun. Drag your butt out of the house, go down to your local club, find some twink and have him suck you off. Or, you can find a bear and let him plow you from behind. Whatever gets your rocks off. Just get out there man. Make yourself have fun. That way you’ll be too busy to even think about that asshole and the asshole group of friends you left behind.

Bottom line: getting over someone doesn’t have to be a mope fest, make it a fun fuck fest instead.

Mighty Mickey


	39. Aging Queen

_Dear Mickey,_

_I have been reading your advice for ages and now I need some. My husband and I have been together since the late 60s and he still hasn't come out to his sister. We are both too old to be hiding in my opinion. Well, I'm far too much of a queen to ever hide but he's always been able to pass as straight. How do I get him out of this ancient closet once and for all?_

_~ Aging Queen, 68_

Dear Aging Queen,

 _Wow_ that’s a long time to put up with the same guy’s bullshit. You deserve a fuckin’ medal, man, good for you. 

Basically, you need to tell him to get the fuck out of the closet. You are literally so past the point of being subtle about this it’s just a dot on the horizon now - staying closeted for that long is insane even by my standards. Just be blunt. You’re too old for this shit, you said it yourself.

However, there’s also a chance his sister might have worked things out by now, especially if you’ve been living together for such a long time. Don’t underestimate womens’ intuition, man.

Mighty Mickey


	40. Wedding Bells

_Dear Mickey,_

_I've been with the same guy for 17 years. We love each other dearly and we have tried to be the best parents we can be to our son. The only thing is, we aren't married and while it's not super important, it's on my bucket list. But every time I bring it up, he just changes the subject or says it doesn't matter. How do I get him to take me seriously?_

_Wedding Bells, 48_

Dear Bells,

17 years? Damn. Round of applause for going for the same dick for so long.

As for the wedding stuff. I’m more like your boyfriend so I asked my guy what he thought. He said either a serious discussion or an impromptu elopement. Since I think half of that advice is garbage there is a reason he does not write this column and I do. 

You need to talk. But maybe give it time. Also, maybe figure out why he’s got issues with marriage? Bad divorce in the family? He sees marriage as a sham? Put on your Sherlock hat and get to work. I think if the guy’s been around for nearly two decades and you have a kid together he’s not exactly a commitment phobe.

Bottom line: lie in wait and then pounce for that optimum adult talk…Then maybe fuck afterward as a reward for pretending to be adults.

Mighty Mickey


	41. Young & In Love

_Dear Mickey,_

_I think I'm in love with my best friend. Every time we play wrestle I have to fight having a boner. When he stays over he still sleeps in my bed and I have resist the urge to cuddle him. But lately when he's stayed over I've woken up to him holding me and his boner along my ass. I don't know what to do or to how to make the first move without ruining everything. Help me please._

_~ Young and in Love, 16_

Dear Young and In Love,

I almost never “aw” at anything, so congratulations on being one of the only people to make that happen.

It seems like you’re both on the train to gay town, that much is for certain. I’m not exactly the king of subtlety (my ass of a boyfriend just told me that I’m as subtle as a kick in the nuts), but you could try, say, asking him to watch a movie with you. But be strategic in which movie you choose - pick a gay themed movie; there’s enough of them around.

See if you can gauge his reaction. If it’s good, then it might be his way of giving you the green light. If he freaks out, well, he’s either in denial or he’s not as gay as was expected.

Or, you could just bite the bullet and be upfront with him. Tell him that you like him and that you want to know what he thinks of that, and see what happens. You could be pleasantly surprised.

If not, well, it’s his loss.

Mighty Mickey


	42. Berkeley Bookworm

_Dear Mickey,_

_I'm gay and very geeky. I love science and math and learning so much. But I'm also very shy and awkward, and I don't have any friends. I live with my mom and my little sister and older brothers and they're all really accepting of me being gay. I wouldn't say I was all that attractive, and I find it hard to speak to people, but I'd like to meet other guys like me. I'm just really uncomfortable in clubs and bars. Do you have any advice?_

_Berkeley Bookworm, 15_

Dear Bookworm,

I can’t say I exactly relate to you. But one, you’re young. You’ve got time to find a boyfriend and figure all that socializing shit out. You’re going to find those spaces you’re talking about in time. You live in Berkeley? Fuck, I bet there’s some gay ass youth book clubs you can join. Probably some gay science clubs too. The gays, we’re everywhere. You just have to know where to look.

Bottom line: someday you’ll go from bookworm to butt-erfly.

Mighty Mickey


	43. Party in Panic

_Dear Mickey,_

_So my boyfriend and I have been planning this huge party with our friends and family. Only we recently found out that our siblings dated and then had a huge messy break up and they only told us after the fact. And now we're worried the whole party is going to turn into one big soap opera. I need some damage control help._

_~ Party in Panic, 42_

Dear Party,

Sounds like the social equivalent of somebody lining up a wrecking ball right outside your house.

I’m hardly the best person to ask about handling delicate social situations, but I guess that you should each talk to your respective siblings and tell them about who’s coming. I can almost guarantee that one of them will ask to be crossed off the guest list right then and there.

If not, then you might have to “accidentally” fuck up the dates on one of their invitations - and to avoid an argument with your boyfriend about whose invitation, don’t tell him about the “mix-up”.

If all else fails and the soap opera scenario you’re worried about does happen, throw them the fuck out. Or threaten to. It’s your house and you don’t have to have your party ruined because a pair of grown fuckin’ adults can’t be civil with each other - or considerate of you and your boyfriend. 

Bonus advice: maybe invest in a baseball bat to lord over your unruly relatives and keep them in line.

Mighty Mickey


	44. Sidelined

_Dear Mickey,_

_My fiance and I are getting married in August & I feel like I'm witnessing a train wreck in slow motion. We agreed that we wouldn't have a huge freak show wedding like some couples but somehow it's turned into that anyway. I'm a shy person too so I'm getting very anxious. We've got 400 people coming, the tailoring on my tux is wrong, the florist fucked up, the venue might've been double-booked. It's driving me crazy and I can't seem to get a word in edgewise. Help! _

_Sidelined, 39_

Dear Sidelined,

Here’s what you do. You get your husband to be alone for some romantic sexy time, maybe suggest doing something new, and then tie him to the bed. Once he’s tied to the bed you can finally have a serious discussion about this whole fucked up train wreck. And you ask him, is he marrying you or the idea of a wedding? Because if it’s the first option he’ll need to downsize and stick to the original fucking plan you both agreed to, but if it’s the second option I think you guys need a hell of a lot more help then an advice columnist in a gay mag can give you.

My guy says it’s just for one day and I say, bullshit. You should not be that uncomfortable on a day that’s supposed to be about the two of you.

Bottom line: Fuck it, just elope.

Mighty Mickey


	45. Doubtful Dating

_Dear Mickey,_

_So recently my co-worker asked me out. It was completely unexpected and I didn't even know he was gay. He's just so middle American all around All Star that I never got that vibe from him. I wasn't sure how to respond and thankfully we got interrupted but now I have to figure out if I should accept or decline. I'm not flaming but I do borderline on some stereotypes. Help, I have no idea if we'll even survive our first date._

_~ Doubtful Dating, 20_

Dear Doubtful,

What are you hesitating for? It might not be expected, but a date is a date and if you get a lay out of it, I don’t think it really matters if you’re soul mates or not.

If he’s hot and you’re attracted to him, you really don’t have to say no just because he’s not emitting gay vibes like a sonar. Fuck, my guy was six foot tall, in ROTC and could hit a freckle from 200 yards with an M16 when I met him and he sucks my dick like it’s his last fucking meal. The point of a first date is to get to know your guy, so get to know him. If you don’t click it’s not the end of the world, bad dates happen to the best of us - you might get a friend out of it if nothing else.

Bottom line: don’t judge a book by it’s cover and give the guy a chance.

Mighty Mickey


	46. Kinky Kitten

_Dear Mickey,_

_I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months. Our sex life is great, but it's very vanilla and I'm kind of kinky. I'm mostly into spanking and light S &M/daddy play, which isn't everybody's cup of tea. My guy is a little older than me and very sweet, but I'm not sure if I should bring it up yet. How do I broach the subject of exploring my kinks without sending him running for the hills? _

_Kinky Kitten, 23_

Dear KK,

If your guy is as sweet as you think he is I don’t think he’ll have any problem with exploring some of your kinks. Maybe talk about it over dinner, that way you can go from eating one protein to another kind of protein. (That’s his dick in case you missed the memo). If you ask a guy to try something while you’re sucking his dick he’ll pretty much agree to anything. But, I think you’re enough of an adult to save the dick sucking until after you’ve had your kink discussion. Who knows? Maybe he’s got some kinks hidden in his closet.

Bottom line: be the big boy I know you can be.

Mighty Mickey


	47. Sweating Like a A Whore In Church

_Dear Mickey,_

_I'm fairly experienced sexually but have only recently gotten into a serious relationship. I really want things with this guy to work but he doesn't know about my sexual history and he's a bit straight laced. I don't want him to run for the hills but I don't want to lie to him either. Advice._

_~ Sweating like a Whore in Church, 26_

Dear Whore (my boyfriend told me not to address you like that but I couldn’t help myself),

You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of, that’s the most important thing to remember. You also can’t help your history.

You wouldn’t really be lying if you don’t tell him, but if it’s so important to you that he knows about your sexual history, ease him into it. Don’t start reciting your highlights reel, just let him know that you’re not a simpering virgin and you haven’t been one for a long time.

Really, that’s all you have to say. To be honest, it’s not really any of his business - it’s yours and yours alone - but you don’t have to go into explicit detail and he’s not going to go running for the hills just because you’ve had plenty of guys knocking at your backdoor (or vice versa as the case might be).

Seriously, straight-laced or not, he’s probably not a simpering virgin either, so there’s no need to sweat, my friend.

Mighty Mickey


	48. Scared of Scales

_Dear Mickey,_

_I love my boyfriend but he's an avid lover of reptiles and I'm petrified of snakes. I grew up in Sri Lanka and one time when I was little there was Cobra right outside our house. He has two Pythons. He won't leave them alone for the night because they need feeding (live mice no less) and I'm uncomfortable sleeping at his house. I don't want him to get rid of them because he adores them but I'm shit scared of the damn things. How do we compromise?_

_Scared of Scales, 22_

Dear Scales,

I hope he’s packing a python in his pants if you’re willing to put up with this bullshit.

So he loves snakes, you hate snakes, but you both want each other to be happy. Well, good news is you’re not living together. Yet. But if you do live together at some point you may need to have the snakes in a designated room that is locked and secured so that you can rest easy. Or you could try to face your fears. Or he could be a bit more understanding of the fact that snakes are not for you. Talk to him and try to see if you guys can’t work out some sort of solution to this slithering issue.

Meanwhile, I’m going to go play with a snake of my own. (I’m talking about my boyfriend’s penis for all you slow Jo’s).

Bottom line: Ssssounds like you need to get some ground rules down before you give yourself a heart attack.

Mighty Mickey


	49. In The Middle

_Dear Mickey,_

_So for the past couple of months a friend and I have been doing the whole friends with benefits thing. It's been fun but lately it feels like it's becoming a whole lot more than just casual sex with a partner we know is safe. He's recently started to spend the night, which was one of our big no-no's we agreed upon. I'm not opposed to a relationship but I don't want to fuck up our friendship. Thoughts?_

_~ In the Middle, 23_

Dear In the Middle,

Thanks for giving me war flashbacks.

I’ll let you in on a little secret. What you’re going through is very similar to how me and my guy got together and ten years down the line, we’re both happy with where we’ve ended up.

For now, just see how things progress. Sometimes things will naturally develop into a long term relationship, and if you’re cool with things going that way and he’s cool with things going that way, then you’ve got nothing to lose.

However, if things are going backwards and forwards a lot and you begin to get really confused, it might be time to clear the air by having a long talk with your guy.

Bottom line: Sit tight and watch how things unfold.

Mighty Mickey


	50. Guilty As Charged

_Dear Mickey,_

_I cheated on my boyfriend of 18 months. It was just one drunken night when my guy was volunteering with the Red Cross overseas, and I feel horrible about it. I haven't spoken to the guy since and since my boyfriend came back 3 months ago he's noticed there's something amiss with me. Do I tell him or just avoid causing him any more pain?_

_Guilty as charged, 25_

Dear Guilty as Charged,

You done fucked up. You done fucked up good.

There’s only one thing to it. You’re going to have to come clean. Clearly your infidelity is fucking over your relationship whether your partner knows or not so it’s time to tell him. You got yourself into this mess, so now it’s time to clean it up.

Your guy sounds like a stand up guy, but I’m going to be honest with you, I don’t think he’s going to be your guy for all that long. 1. You cheated on him. 2. You cheated on him when he was overseas and basically being a fucking saint. 3. Your guilt about cheating on him has probably been making him wonder what he did wrong. 4. You cheated on him and you still haven’t been honest with him.

So unless your guy is super forgiving you might want to get ready for a massive fight. It needs to happen and it needs to happen now. The longer you hide what you did, the worse it will be. And something will happen that will let him know what you did. It doesn’t matter what, it doesn’t matter how, but something will go down and it will be a hell of a lot messier then either of you want. So you better let him hear it from you or else someone else will tell him.

Bottom line: You made a mess, time to clean it up.

Mighty Mickey


	51. Freaking Out

_Dear Mickey,_

_You got to help me. So I may have told my sister that I'm seeing someone and she just assumed it was a girl. I didn't correct her misconception and now she wants to meet my partner. Another problem, I may not have been completely honest with my partner about how out I am to my family. I fucked up and I need to unfuck it before they both meet this Saturday._

_~ Freaking Out, 26_

Dear Freaking Out,

Ah, the old Chinese Whispers problem, huh? First off, you really need to learn how to communicate better, both with your sister and your guy.

You also need to start being more honest with your boyfriend. Lying isn’t cool and in relationships it’s pretty disastrous. Explain the situation to him, and once he’s done freaking out, ask him for his support. Apologize for lying to him, I can’t stress this enough. Explain how you feel to him and that you’re having trouble working out the best way to tell your family. If he loves you, he’ll understand that you need him to stand by you on this. 

If you still have a boyfriend by Saturday, I would just take your boyfriend to meet your sister and tell her that you’re seeing each other. She might not even mention it. If she does, then just tell her you want to be honest with her, and talk things through.

If you’re not out to your parents, coming out to a sibling first makes it easier, so hopefully her support will come in handy when the time comes.

Mighty Mickey


	52. Going Solo

_Dear Mickey,_

_I'm a virgin. I've gotten to the point where it's actually embarrassing because well... I'm 34. I've never even kissed a guy, and it's not because I'm not out. I just don't have anyone to be out to. My parents were kind of old when they had me and they both passed away before I managed to work up the courage to tell them. I'm very shy & work nights in security, so I never really meet anyone. How do I go about getting laid with no friends or family & crippling anxiety? _

_Going solo, 34_

Dear Solo,

Dude, you make me want to cry your life is so sad. Ok, first off, please find some friends. Sign up for a book club or gym membership or something. 

Next, sign up for a dating site. It’ll get you out there and around like minded people.

Also, please go out to some clubs and/or gaybars. Just go put yourself out there and I am sure someone will be more than happy to take you home.

Fuck it, there are always hustlers willing to put out for the older virgins. Just please go get laid and get some friends.

Bottom line: break out of your comfort zone and get into the people zone.

Mighty Mickey


	53. Mushy

_Dear Mickey,_

_I'm not ashamed to admit it: I'm a true romantic at heart. Candle-lit dinners, poetry, mix tapes, romantic mini-breaks, the works. I've been dating this guy for the last 2 months & I'd love to sweep him off his feet, but my last boyfriend was very hard and thought the whole thing was stupid. Should I indulge my romantic dreams or should I just forget about it? _

_Mushy in Milwaukee, 36_

Dear Mushy,

I’m having some horrific flashbacks to one terribly planned date.

Go easy on the guy. My boyfriend can get a bit mushy too but you have to ease people into it. Sometime doing the whole romantic thing isn’t for everyone, but a little romance can go a long way. Try out one or two things, like the mixed tape idea, and see how he reacts. No need to overload the guy. Especially if you’ve only been dating for two months.

Bottom line: slow and steady wins the race.

Mighty Mickey


	54. Jonah

_Dear Mickey,_

_Hi. This is Jonah, the younger brother to Older Bro. The one who found my porn? Just wanted to say sorry for that, and for having it splashed around your mag. I talked with my bro and we're cool. He keeps joking about taking me out to a gay club to find me a man. At least I think he's joking...He better be joking._

_~ Jonah, 18_

Dear Jonah,

Hey, good for you, man. It’s always nice to hear about another success story.

You don’t have to apologize, we’ve had far weirder shit sent to us.

Here’s your next step: get out there and meet some dicks!

Good luck

Mighty Mickey


	55. Brony Boyfriend

_Dear Mickey,_

_I think the guy I'm dating might be a brony. He hasn't told me yet but I've found My Little Pony on his computer and I'm kind of freaked out. (I borrowed it to google something and a ton of weird MLP shit came up on his search form history). We've only been dating a month and we get along alright, but after this I'm seriously considering dumping him. Should I live and let live or run the fuck away?_

_Mortified at Brony Boyfriend, 22_

Dear Mortified,

If you’ve only been dating for a month and you know he’s not your one and only, cut that fucker loose. I mean, tell him why of course, maybe you can save the next guy some fetish finding horror. But man, you sound way freaked out. I can only imagine you are avoiding the bedroom at this point because you’re scared to find Flutterfly sheets or whatever (I have nieces which is the only reason I know that shit).

But it sounds like you want a man, Morty. And a real man too, not one who plays with ponies in ways that are “weird” as you called it.

Bottom line: Ride your horse into the sunset Morty, and never look back.

Mighty Mickey


	56. Kissing Cousins

_Dear Mickey,_

_I'm in love with my cousin. And we actually have talked about dating recently, but I'm not sure how the rest of my family will take it. Thoughts?_

_~ Kissing Cousins, 17_

Dear Kissing,

Well, legally (as far as I’m aware), there’s actually nothing stopping you from dating. So, I guess, if he’s who you want, then it’s up to you.

However, you’re right to be wary about how your family is going to take it. Not only are you gay but you’re in love with your cousin. Double whammy! I don’t see them taking this well, and the sad truth is that many people will not.

You’ll have to break the news softly to them, but don’t tell them immediately. Allow your relationship to develop a little before you throw this social grenade at it. Ultimately you know your family better than I do, so think about telling the right people first. When it comes to friends and whatever… well, maybe you ought to avoid telling them that you’re cousins at all.

But hey, at least you don’t have to deal with meeting the folks. Silver linings.

Mighty Mickey


	57. Endowed Part 2

_Dear Mickey,_

_This is 'Endowed', the guy who wrote to you about having a bigger than average dick and was struggling to find the right guy? Well, I took your advice and I found a guy who I think loves taking dick more than he likes breathing, ha-ha. I just wanted to say thanks and ask if you had any topping advice and how to blow his mind? What do you like for your guy to do?_

_Endowed, 21_

Dear Endowed,

Glad to hear you’ve found someone to take your dick like a champ. I knew there had to be the right bottom out there for you. It’s like that old saying, no long dick goes lonely. And I have also been informed by my boyfriend that there is no such saying. Well fuck him (I mean, I will later tonight) I’m saying it’s a saying. You get what I’m saying?

Ask your bottom about his kinks and then play with them. Dirty talk is always a good fall back. Never underestimate the wonders of a dirty mouth. Also, if you can increase your stamina I think you’ll be good to go. If you’re long and can go long, you’ve got it made my friend. My guy can fuck me for hours and I swear that is how I know God is real.

Bottom line: talk to your bottom and then get down to your dirty, dirty business.

Mighty Mickey


	58. Shorty

_Dear Mickey,_

_I'm worried my penis is too small. Will anyone ever loved a little dicked guy?_

_~ Shorty, 24_

Dear Shorty,

I’m going to let you in on a secret. I’m not that gifted in the dick department either. But, I’m a bottom, so it’s not really an issue. My boyfriend even has several pet names for it which, while annoying as fuck, tell me that it’s a part of what he loves about me.

So, to answer your question, yes, someone will love a little dicked guy like you.

I guess if you’re a bottom like me it’s not a huge deal, but if you’re a top, you might have to go about finding a bottom whose body is maybe on the small side himself, if you’re just worried about pleasing a guy sexually. However, when it comes to relationships, it really shouldn’t matter.

And if it does, then buddy, he doesn’t deserve your little dick anyway.

Mighty Mickey


	59. Timid

_Dear Mickey,_

_I'm really embarrassed about being gay. I don't think there's anything wrong with it itself and I'm out, but I'm embarrassed and I don't like that people know I'm into dudes. I don't think I could ever hold hands with a guy in the street. Am I ashamed or just shy?_

_Timid, 21_

Dear Timid,

The only one who can really answer the question of if your shy or ashamed is you. Ask yourself this though: if you saw a straight couple holding hands would you be embarrassed for them? If the answer is no you might need to take a look at yourself and where that self-hate is coming from. One of my business partners says it’s all about the self-love.

I mean, I wasn’t about to hold hands with my guy outside of the privacy of our sex life for years and years. So maybe you just need the right guy to help you push your boundaries.

Bottom line: know thy self.

Mighty Mickey


	60. Conflicted

_Dear Mickey,_

_I think my boyfriend may have been a porn star. My friend linked me to a video saying I should see this and it was my boyfriend, my partner of 3 years, in a graphic porn scene. I still love him but I feel uncomfortable with that part of his past. I'm also saddened and deeply troubled that he didn't tell me. If he didn't tell about that, what other secrets is he hiding?_

_~ Conflicted in Connecticut_

Dear Conflicted,

Well, congrats on bagging yourself a porn star, buddy!

(My boyfriend just flicked me in the ear for that…)

No, but seriously. The truth is, he might not have told you about that part of his life for a reason. While there are exceptions, the porn industry is pretty exploitative and many actors do not really enjoy the work. A lot of of them have addictions and financial problems and are basically treated like shit by their management. That’s why not many porn stars last long in the industry and it’s possible that it could’ve been just a one-time mistake for your boyfriend.

Don’t jump to any conclusions though. It’s perfectly possible that it wasn’t him in the video and that you and your friend are just mistaken.

However, you’re right to be worried if everything I just described is the case for your guy. It sounds like you two need to have a really long talk. Show him the video and ask him if it’s him and if it is, why he didn’t tell you about it. Don’t go looking for a fight though; if it is him, it’s probably a difficult topic for him to talk about. You have a right to be upset because your trust in him has been shaken and you should let him know that, but you have to be patient.

Mighty Mickey


	61. Basket Case

_Dear Mickey,_

_There's a guy on my basketball team who I have a really intense rivalry with. Last week in the locker room we were the last two getting changed and we ended up fighting. Except, it kind of took a weird turn and we ended up fooling around. I didn't even suspect I was gay before that, but it kind of makes sense. Now things are awkward and my game is totally off. We have a big match next week and I'm afraid the sexual tension is going to fuck everything up._

_Basket Case, 17_

Dear Basket Case,

Teenage angst, now that’s the part I don’t miss about high school. All right, here’s what you’re going to do. You are going to get this guy alone, and fool around again, hell, maybe even fuck him. Get that sexual tension cleared way the fuck up. Hell, maybe you two could be fuck buddies or boyfriends. You both clearly have chemistry with your fights. Remember, a fight and a fuck is the way to my own heart. Through my dick of course.

Bottom line: Go for the three-pointer and get yourself some rival man meat

Mighty Mickey


End file.
